I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
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