I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
I fuckin love you!
I would reciprocate the feeling if i knew who this was.
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