it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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