I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
do nipples grow back?
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