woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
watching E! true Hollywood story: curse of the lottery.. i'd probably spend all my money on blow and airplanes too..
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
PANTIES FOUND
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
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