my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
