All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
Help me help you realize you are a moron
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
