i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
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