apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
Randomize
