why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
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