She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
Randomize
