so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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