i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
All I want is dick and wine.
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