I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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