I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
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