just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
not sure what to think.... picked her up and her dad says "if you take her home, you'll regret it"
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
Randomize
