you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Randomize
