We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
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