I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
This ginger kid smells like a queef popsicle
I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
Randomize
