i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
Randomize
