Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
Randomize
