six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
Randomize
