Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
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