I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
I decided not to look up the nudes, because I believe that there is a line, and that mocking my old classmate's horrid nudes alone crosses that line.
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
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