oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
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