the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
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