Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
Because of no shave november, it's no boys december... pay back
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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