Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
Randomize
