I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
I need to calm my uterus...
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
Randomize
