I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
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