Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
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