normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
Atty had lunch with DA and confirmed I am not the target of the investigation. No word on anything else
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Randomize
