Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
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