what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
