i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
no i decided against it. savin my coke binge for finals week.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
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