I'm pretty sure that he just gave me the ginger disease
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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