Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
I want to find him again. His Corona tank top and I were made for each other.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
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