did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
I dont get chicks, its like they only care about themselves and money
sounds like you understand them just fine
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
The guy in 209 is masturbating with the door cracked again
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
Randomize