this is like her 8th guy since december, is she wasn't frumpy people would call her a whore
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
Randomize
