Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
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