Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
Randomize
