3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
he just told me his nickname was "nickexplodeon"
does that mean he doesn't last long?
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
Shirtless guy staggering down the sidewalk, puking into a Prada shopping bag. Ahhh, the walk of shame in Boystown.
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
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