The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
dude they had a "sorry for partying" wall in their house which consisted if all the hospital bills, tickets, detox receipts and court orders they've gotten. The ENTIRE wall was covered.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
Randomize
