I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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