the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
I think I won the penis lottery.
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
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