Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
I cant help but queef when the male extremity enters
What is a male extremity?
i didnt realize it was that long since you've had sex
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
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