there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
Randomize
