apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
the mechanics of walkigng feel weird right now everyone lools like a demon
what does alcohol mean
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
