Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
Randomize
