Just cropdusted the office
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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