my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
Randomize
