I feel like abortions should bother me more
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
