I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
Randomize
