I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
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