why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
Also yeah I would definitely have to say that one of my favorite things to do is to get high and pet cats.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
