it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
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