Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Randomize
