Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
his penis is PERFECT
I want to put it in a shoebox and place cottonbls around it to protect it from any harm
or knit it little hat
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
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