So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
Randomize
